enamoured: a kitty with a frog hat on. (i has frog on hed)
Sometimes I feel like I forget how to write.

I spent two years writing in a journal every day. I used to update LJ at least five times a week. I used to be able to crank out a 2000 word one shot fan fic in an evening, giving myself a full twenty-four hours to proof it and second-guess myself before posting it.

And now, sometimes, words fail me. I don't know how to describe something that I've gone over in my head ten times during the course of my day, when all I want to do is sit down and commit it to paper or Word or a post.

Part of it is because of how the nature of online talk/writing's changed. We're more image/quick text driven. Something has to be quick and snappy or long and rage-filled for it to really hit if it's written, and I hate that. I hate wanting to really get down to something emotional in my own life, only for it to be drowned out.

I've taken leave from Tumblr and Twitter for most of the past week because of current events. I've wanted to write something about that to explain why, even though I'm ultimately not that important in the scheme of the internet or fandom or whatever for people to miss me enough or to notice. Like, who cares? I have gone days just reblogging dog photos on Tumblr and retweeting blithe things and never talking about anything substantial.

People who know me only from Twitter or Tumblr and through my Captain America or Corgi squee don't know about my anxiety diagnosis, at least in part because I don't talk about it because I don't want to burden anyone. They don't know that I spend inordinate amounts of time in my head and trying to figure out if I'm failing at being a woman, at being black American, at being an adult. They don't know me as well as people who've known me since I've been supersyncspaz7 or whatever pre @chaoticgirlie or viewparadise username you've come to know me under.

The thing of it is this: more and more, I feel like Tumblr is this field of mines I have to navigate through. I struggle constantly with this idea of being a socially responsible person, of going back and forth of whether or not I am obligated to subject myself to viewing of every single atrocity that comes across my dash and trying to muster the energy to block it because it makes me feel off-kilter and crazy and like maybe, maybe I should stop trying because the odds are so deeply stacked against me and the whole world is against me and all of us.

And that's not what I'm there for, you know? I am there for immersing myself in the things that make me feel like life is worth it. Superhero stuff. 90s nostalgia. Good news about the world. Ten thousand freaking dog blogs. Everyone is free to use media in the way they want, and I am not going to condone anyone for doing what they damn want, but sometimes you have to get to the point in which you have to decide what is best for you, and this break for me has brought me to that.

Thing About Me Worth Knowing: I am a sentimental idiot. This is at least part of the reason why I haven't changed my LJ handle in all the years I've been on the site. (The only reason [personal profile] enamoured is my DW name is because it wasn't taken, and as much as I love my LJ name, I wanted something different.) I can't quite bring myself to delete my Tumblr, as there's thousands of posts and six years attached to that name--and, okay, I'm greedy too, and want to keep that screen name.

But I've got to change something about my relationship with the site. I'm going to have to either block or stop following some people who I care about and really like so that I won't feel hopeless or angry or just inadequate following them. I'm trying to compartmentalize and sort and figure out how to best deal with this, because I've felt more relieved in the days during this hiatus than I have in, well, a while. I've still had the work and real life problems getting on me, but I haven't felt the need to go to my dashboard seeking some relief only to find the latest in Oh God, Everything is Awful.

I don't know. I'm trying--always trying--to be a better person and to do what is best for me. I don't know how to always get both of those things working at the same time.
enamoured: the starry-eyed emoticon: *_* (Default)
Well, classes are over for me! Until I start summer classes! YAY.

I'm not looking forward to it, but I kind of am. Mostly because if/when I finish them, I GRADUATE. Which is awesome and terrifying at the same time. Relatedly, I was way stressed when I went in to see Dr. D on Wednesday, and I pretty much admitted that even though I've invested all of this time and money and years into broadcast and film/art, I still don't know for sure what I want to do. It was good to get that out and everything, especially because I was worried I was going to have a break down and cry moment at some point in one of my classes. God, I hate being a stress crier.

I made it through the last day of classes on five hours of sleep. There were other people in my film class who had been up like, all night and were operating on fumes. I ended up getting a tiny, tiny Slinky from my professor, which was neat. He has a box full of random things he gets when he goes off to festivals and tech shows and such, and the baby Slinky was among some of the things.

I got home around 3 because I was out shopping and stuff, and I was enjoying my first moment of Looking at Stuff on the Internet Just for Fun when I got a little sleepy. I was planning on going to one of the early shows for Iron Man 3 with Theresa and Jason, so I figured I could kind of lounge in bed for a little before. And "lounging" turned into a 90-minute nap. Whoops.

I did get to the movie--we went at 10 PM--and I got this awesome cocktail at the bar that they called a Reactor, and IT GLOWED. (There was an LED ice cube in it for that special arc reactor blue, but still, glowing alcohol.) So I'll end with that, and I DECLARE THIS AN IRON MAN 3 DISCUSSION POST. Spoilers may be found in the comments, proceed at your own risk. (I liked it LOOOOTS, and loved that it's basically another Shane Black/Robert Downey Jr. movie that takes place around Christmas.)
enamoured: the name of a favorite Facebook group: Disney Gave Me Unrealistic Expectations About Love. (disney gave me unrealistic expectations)
So, my subconscious is awful. )

On the non-crappy front: I SURVIVED MY SPEAKING TEST IN FRENCH. I got Bs in pronunciation and grammar and an A in vocabulary and fluency. I just have to get a B on the final and I'll be good. Speaking of the final: it's on my birthday. There's been only like, one time in my college career that I have not had a final on my birthday because finals ended before the tenth. UGH. At least it's my last final. I had my critique in 3D design today (I have pictures of my project to share, which I am SO going to do because it was fun and awesome), and tomorrow I have my critique in digital photo--and I have to leave and get prints made soon, because I and a few other people had issues with ordering ours through the company that our instructor recommended.

I have this deep urge to do one of those headcanon memes, except A.) I'm not established/cool enough for people to request them, so B.) I'm pretty sure that no one really cares, and besides, C.) I get kind of weirdly possessive about things that I like to take as my own headcanon/fan theories. For example, there's a few recurring things that I've been kicking around in my head, re: Avengers movieverse, but I want to include them in this never-ending fic that I'm writing, so I don't want to say anything about it 'til it makes the story and I post it. Is that weird? Does anyone else do that, like, make up stuff and REFUSE to breathe a word about some ultimately minute detail until you write it down?

To close: again, if you want a card from me, comment here (for DWers) or here (for LJers) with your address and stuff! Or simply email it to me (supersyncspaz7 at gmail.com).
enamoured: I approve this message. (i approve this message)
What is up with me:

1. Finished my French homework. Verbs and tenses are ridiculous. I'm just having a hard time with them. I think I'm pretty much going to dedicate at least a half hour a day through next week to reviewing passe compose and everything else so that I don't bomb my test. Also, I missed a few assignments from the last chapter, and I'm hoping that if I pull up my test grades and finish the rest of the homework, I'll do okay for the rest of the semester.


3. NaNo is coming along slowly! I'm almost 3000 words behind, but I figure I can make it up tomorrow and Thursday. Hopefully I can switch shifts with someone so that I can pop in to the Night of Writing Dangerously for a little bit. That's always fun to go to. Also, I can't wait to incorporate self-written cheesy boy band songs. [dances]

4. I also want to write ALL THE FAN FICTION all of a sudden, too. I still have that Avengers boy band AU that I need to really get into, plus sequels to various things I wrote, plus a continuation of a 5+1 thing I started this summer and got really, really stuck on. I know how I want it to end, but I'm in the noveling phase right now, so it will have to wait 'til I reach 50K.

5. I know exactly what I'm getting my mom for Christmas already. Usually I have the hardest time picking out things for her, but everything's planned out so far. I just need to buy it. I'm going to get her the first season of Dallas (original recipe Dallas) on DVD, and also a piggy bank for a vacation fund with $25 in it.

Everyone else? I have NO IDEA.

6. I'm going to make my Christmas card post tomorrow. Stay tuned.

7. I spent the better part of this morning watching The Lizzie Bennet Diaries on YouTube. I watched the first ten episodes during the summer and lost track, but everyone else has been buzzing about it lately, so I figured I'd catch up. It's fun!
enamoured: the cast of Flash Forward (1996). (spin to a beautiful oblivion)
Dear Yuletide Writer:

Hi! Sorry about the delay in posting my letter. Hopefully, this will reach you ASAP and shouldn't be too much of a problem.

So, due to some awesome algorithm/voodoo/hiccup of the universe, you get to write something for me. Be afraid. Be very afraid. Just kidding.

But to start off, here's a general idea of what I usually like in my fic. I am enamored of romantic comedy type tropes (meet cutes, snarky banter flirting, one party being slightly less experienced than the other), and comedy/silliness overall. But at the same time I also love drama--just not drama for the sake of drama and angst for the sake of angst. Like, death just so that the characters can be depressed and possibly driven to self-harm or suicide? NO THANK YOU.

I like it when characters sometimes just have conversations, especially if there's something else going on underneath it; a little bit of double meaning or double entendre, whichever. I like friends as supporting characters being goofy and/or hammy, and happy/upbeat or bittersweet endings. I love it when there are references to little details in canon, and I LOVE romantic tension that's just about thisclose to being resolved and there's only a faint allusion to it possibly happening later.

Or, you know, the "fireworks/train going through a tunnel" route.

Ratings-wise, I'd say as long as it's not greater than R, I'm good.

And now to the fandoms. )

I hope this was helpful! Can't wait to see what you cook up. And thank you!
enamoured: "I am a skank. Oh my God. At least before I was just a loser." (i was a loser before i met him)
It's weird, in that you guys (meaning: those of you who read my stuff) know that I do fandom-related stuff (I make icons and sometimes fan art, and I used to write fan fiction a lot and I've started doing it again), but I rarely talk about it here. I tend to compartmentalize my interests a lot, which is unfortunate in a way. Like, I start lots of side Tumblrs because I don't want to bore people with stuff that's just about my original fiction writing or to post my potentially crappy fan art, and I don't post my fan fiction here for whatever reasons, and on and on.

At any rate, I'm going to get past that now and link everything worth linking:
[livejournal.com profile] brandnew_soul: icons/graphics on LJ
[archiveofourown.org profile] brandnewsoul: AO3 (most recent fan fiction)
[last.fm profile] supersyncspaz7: Last.fm
[tumblr.com profile] viewparadise: main Tumblr
[tumblr.com profile] bethatbrave: writing Tumblr

So there you are! Do with that what you want.

In the meantime, I'm going to go over here and finish my (late) library books.
enamoured: a kitty with a frog hat on. (i has frog on hed)
I've worked all weekend. Yesterday, they switched the playlist over from country to pop/Top 40. Within the span of an hour I heard both "Call Me Maybe" and "What Makes You Beautiful". I didn't mind the former, because that song has been cycling through my head for weeks now (and, oh man, the video! Go watch it NOW!), but "What Makes You Beautiful" has kind of been on my oh please God no don't let them start playing this at work list since the first time I heard it.

But not only did they play the regular version, they also played the remix.

Last night, after watching The Great Escape (I always forget that it's an almost three hour long movie, so it was late when it was over), I could not sleep. So I was lying in bed with my Kindle Fire reading Avengers fan fiction (as I've been doing for a few nights now), and while I was reading some story, all of a sudden my brain starts going:


And now I hate everything about One Direction. (Except for Zayn's face. Boy is super-cute. Way too young, but super-cute.)

Relatedly: it blows my mind that tickets are already on sale for One Direction's arena tour next summer. I mean, what? WE NEVER HAD IT THAT GOOD IN THE '90S. [shakes fists menacingly]


I have written more fan fiction in the past two weeks than I have in years, thanks to The Avengers. I'm writing something with Steve and Darcy for [livejournal.com profile] het_bigbang, and really, I do not know how I ended up shipping that, but I do and it's kind of fun and terrifying, in that I have to write 10,000 words of them doing stuff in New York--and having only been there once when I was about nine, I have to say that my knowledge of the city is largely shaped by whatever I've seen in movies/on TV/read about in books. So there's that.

Tangent: recently I realized that I've wanted to go to/live in New York since I was a kid because of the books I read, starting with Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing.

This post is all over the place, and if you've gotten this far, congratulations!
enamoured: the starry-eyed emoticon: *_* (true love stories never have endings)
I had the most ridiculous dream: I was sitting in my car, and I was dictating the first two parts of my Yuletide story to myself. And then this woman shows up with three kids in tow and demands to get in my van, because she's escaping from her evil, abusive ex-boyfriend who has this other woman with him, and they are both wielding bricks.

And now I can't remember a single thing about the story. And the first sentence was good, too!

enamoured: Topher Grace. I have had this icon since, uh, 2005? (lying down on the job)
I had the most ridiculous dream: I was sitting in my car, and I was dictating the first two parts of my Yuletide story to myself. And then this woman shows up with three kids in tow and demands to get in my van, because she's escaping from her evil, abusive ex-boyfriend who has this other woman with him, and they are both wielding bricks.

And now I can't remember a single thing about the story. And the first sentence was good, too!

enamoured: a kitty with a frog hat on. (i has frog on hed)
It's the most wonderful time of the yea-ar...

Dear Yuletide Writer:

Hi! I hope that my requests haven't sent you running from the room screaming in horror or curled in a little ball on the floor shaking and crying.

To better help you, here's some notes on my prompts, the fandoms, and so on!

The specs. )

And... I think that's everything! I hope that this is helpful, and that you have an excellent time writing. Thanks!


enamoured: the starry-eyed emoticon: *_* (Default)
Candice (with an I)

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