enamoured: a kitty with a frog hat on. (i has frog on hed)
Sometimes I feel like I forget how to write.

I spent two years writing in a journal every day. I used to update LJ at least five times a week. I used to be able to crank out a 2000 word one shot fan fic in an evening, giving myself a full twenty-four hours to proof it and second-guess myself before posting it.

And now, sometimes, words fail me. I don't know how to describe something that I've gone over in my head ten times during the course of my day, when all I want to do is sit down and commit it to paper or Word or a post.

Part of it is because of how the nature of online talk/writing's changed. We're more image/quick text driven. Something has to be quick and snappy or long and rage-filled for it to really hit if it's written, and I hate that. I hate wanting to really get down to something emotional in my own life, only for it to be drowned out.

I've taken leave from Tumblr and Twitter for most of the past week because of current events. I've wanted to write something about that to explain why, even though I'm ultimately not that important in the scheme of the internet or fandom or whatever for people to miss me enough or to notice. Like, who cares? I have gone days just reblogging dog photos on Tumblr and retweeting blithe things and never talking about anything substantial.

People who know me only from Twitter or Tumblr and through my Captain America or Corgi squee don't know about my anxiety diagnosis, at least in part because I don't talk about it because I don't want to burden anyone. They don't know that I spend inordinate amounts of time in my head and trying to figure out if I'm failing at being a woman, at being black American, at being an adult. They don't know me as well as people who've known me since I've been supersyncspaz7 or whatever pre @chaoticgirlie or viewparadise username you've come to know me under.

The thing of it is this: more and more, I feel like Tumblr is this field of mines I have to navigate through. I struggle constantly with this idea of being a socially responsible person, of going back and forth of whether or not I am obligated to subject myself to viewing of every single atrocity that comes across my dash and trying to muster the energy to block it because it makes me feel off-kilter and crazy and like maybe, maybe I should stop trying because the odds are so deeply stacked against me and the whole world is against me and all of us.

And that's not what I'm there for, you know? I am there for immersing myself in the things that make me feel like life is worth it. Superhero stuff. 90s nostalgia. Good news about the world. Ten thousand freaking dog blogs. Everyone is free to use media in the way they want, and I am not going to condone anyone for doing what they damn want, but sometimes you have to get to the point in which you have to decide what is best for you, and this break for me has brought me to that.

Thing About Me Worth Knowing: I am a sentimental idiot. This is at least part of the reason why I haven't changed my LJ handle in all the years I've been on the site. (The only reason [personal profile] enamoured is my DW name is because it wasn't taken, and as much as I love my LJ name, I wanted something different.) I can't quite bring myself to delete my Tumblr, as there's thousands of posts and six years attached to that name--and, okay, I'm greedy too, and want to keep that screen name.

But I've got to change something about my relationship with the site. I'm going to have to either block or stop following some people who I care about and really like so that I won't feel hopeless or angry or just inadequate following them. I'm trying to compartmentalize and sort and figure out how to best deal with this, because I've felt more relieved in the days during this hiatus than I have in, well, a while. I've still had the work and real life problems getting on me, but I haven't felt the need to go to my dashboard seeking some relief only to find the latest in Oh God, Everything is Awful.

I don't know. I'm trying--always trying--to be a better person and to do what is best for me. I don't know how to always get both of those things working at the same time.
enamoured: a kitty with a frog hat on. (i has frog on hed)
First: I got back from Medieval Times about a half hour ago. It was Marianne's birthday, so I went with her and a bunch of her other friends. We were in the Yellow and Gold section, and Marianne caught a flower from our knight, who then went on to lose in the first round of the joust. The Blue knight looked a little bit like Ben Barnes, circa Prince Caspian. He had that same nice mane of dark hair and swagger. Good times.

Second: today at work, a woman asked me to heat a bottle for her baby. I actually ended up doing it because it was only for thirty seconds and the woman was very nice, but still. I think that's up there with one of the stranger requests customers have had for me.

Third: I get emails from FirstShowing.net, and in the latest digest the fourth story immediately caught my eye: First Official 'Skyfall' Photo Features Daniel Craig as Bond in a Speedo. I am easy like Sunday morning. Immediately clicked on that. It wasn't until I took a second look that I saw that the article above it held equal interest to me.

And then my brain goes, "Who would win in a fight: Captain America or James Bond?"

Speaking of Bond, I have become kind of fond of that theory that James Bond is a codename and/or the idea that Bond is a Time Lord. It makes it interesting, and then something like this happens, and your brain goes, "Wouldn't that be cool?"

(And this is one long aside, but I've had this stupid idea going in my head for a few years now: James Bond, James Ford, James Kirk, and James Norrington all in a bar. Think of the conversation.)

Fourth: I joined [livejournal.com profile] ljrevival, and have picked up a few new friends along the way. So hi to the new people! [waves]

Fifth: I think I'm going to take a break from my regular Tumblr, because lately, checking my dashboard feels like an exercise in giving myself an anxiety attack, especially in regards to a lot of social issues within society writ large and within entertainment. Here's the thing: I know that to not acknowledge various amounts of inequity is just not possible, and possibly even foolish. But lately it feels like day after day I'm getting this stream of "this is your daily dose of why the world is terrible" or "this is your daily dose of why you, as a black woman in America/the world are oppressed", and it just makes me feel on edge and anxious and completely powerless, and I find absolutely no power whatsoever in seeing a stream of news that basically amounts to "the world does not care about you."

This gets kind of deep and wordy, with talk about identity and racism and why I am sick of reading negative social justice stories on Tumblr. )

That got so long because it's been building for a while.

NOTE: I am usually not this serious business, because I am terrible at being serious. This is part of the reason why I don't talk about major social issues unless it's something that really gets under my skin, and usually in that case I resort to capslocking like an angry twelve year old or heavy amounts of sarcasm, because that's how I deal when I'm angry.

At any rate... that's what I have for tonight.

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