I'm trying to control myself.

LiveJournal has managed to be seen as the place for mopey teenage wannabes to whine about how much they hate their lives. And no one likes people who whine, you know? And no one likes pseudo intellectuals talking about the deep complexities of life.

See, I used to do the whole "post whenever and post exactly how you feel, even if it's whiny and obnoxious" thing. I sometimes still do my occasional Big Drama Queen Posts. But I try to stay away from them, mostly because I like the more upbeat entries. I don't want to gripe all the time, and I certainly won't subject anyone to hearing my frequent gripes.

With all that said: right now I have Crap on My Mind that I want to just throw out there.

I am probably one of the least "corrupted" (using the term loosely) nineteen year olds in America. I mean, I've never had anything alcoholic to drink. I've tried smoking twice, and I hated it. Never dabbled in any form of drugs other than the doctor prescribed or the over-the-counter variety. I've never kissed anyone, except for Jonathan on the cheek (and cheek kisses don't count), never mind doing anything remotely sexual. I've never been attracted to a guy who was equally attracted to me. I'm still living at home. I'm terrified to drive on highways. I've never sneaked out of the house, cussed my parents out, gotten in a serious fight, broken any bones, or gotten in major trouble at school. I mean, it's not like I don't have my faults and that I don't screw up, but, you know, I'm what parents would call a Good Kid.

I don't mind this in the least. See, while other people did and do things that I don't, I just sit back in my little goody-goody seat and wonder what's so friggin' hard about not doing the right thing. What's so hard about being straight-edge? What's so hard about keeping your pants on? Sometimes I get pissed off at everyone and wonder if I'm the only person my age who has some kind of self-control. Then I start to think I'm a total self-righteous snot and a brat and I'm only being like this because of the lack of so-called experience. And then I start to worry.

I don't care that I am nineteen and hymenally challenged (points if you get the reference). I don't care that I'm a "good girl". I just... sometimes I wonder if I'm missing anything by being boring. If my random fears of rejection from guys and my terror of driving on the highway are holding me back. If I don't stop cowering and having every kind of potential romantic interest in someone be platonic, I'm going to end up never having a real kind of romance. And if I don't get over driving on the highway, I'm... basically going to be screwed. 'Cause yeah (I can work on the highway thing, though. Even though I almost got killed, but hey...!). And, you know, everyone who hasn't gotten beyond the holding hands thing wonders at some point what lies beyond. No use in lying about it or hiding it. But, you know, I don't care to go that far; I just want simple stuff right now.

Um, to get past all the heavy introspective junk: Who saw the preview for the next episode of Lost? And who else had a lengthy discussion with anyone about that thing at the end of it, if you saw it? [raises hand]

Off to PE hell. Le sob et le sniffle.

beautiful boys on a beautiful dance floor.

I am considering making two daily communities, one for Topher Grace (current Topher icon count: 6), the other for Josh Holloway (current Josh and Josh-related icon count: 6). Um, who wants this to happen? 'Cause I'll do it. On the serious.

Almost done with the mix for fanmix! YEAH.

I will no longer do my daily walk in PE on the treadmill, as it makes me get shin splints--or whatever the term is. Halfway through my mile, I swear my shins were screaming at me: "WE HATE YOU! YOU SUCK! MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOP." I'm pretty sure my whole body hates me about now. My arms are still sore from the class before last. Arrrrgh. The ache, make it stop.

EDIT: topher_daily It's already been made before me. [scampers off to join]