i tried to be like grace kelly

- I am worn the hell out and got some less-than great news from the art department--according to them my art GPA is fluctuating and if I don't get it back up to the required 3.0, I'm out of the art department and out of the film program, and I am just like, I've had a steady 3.25 all this time, how in the world has it gone down? I've got B's in my design class right now, what do I have to do to bring it back up? This can't happen to me now.

Everyone I've talked to said that it's okay, that my grade should be enough to keep me on track but I'm really worried and hating everything right now that is related to school. Even reporting is driving me nuts because every Monday I usually have to tweak one last thing on my story of the week (and I have had a story every week since... mid-February) and that means being at school from about 7:30 to 5 on Mondays and even though I usually feel good about everything I've done 90% of the time I leave the studio exhausted and dreading the coming week because the cycle just begins again. I hate the actual reporting part, to be honest. If I go into news I want to work more on the production side, but everyone's given a task weekly and the reporting II students get to do more production and reporting I does more... reporting. And the more anxious I feel at getting a story and editing the story the more I wish I could just finish this degree and do my film stuff, or just graduate already and start doing the production work.

- This past week I've had a major sore nose issue. I have a scab on my right side. I don't even know how I scratched my nose. It hurts and itches like crazy.

- In less school angst/general body confusion: I finished the first season of White Collar. Repeat: WHY WAS I NOT WATCHING THIS SHOW BEFORE?! I love the dynamic that Neal has with Peter and Elizabeth, and just so much about it. [flails]

- Random thought: I totally judge overly simplistic Tumblr layouts, especially ones that have white backgrounds with light gray text. I don't know if that's just because I dislike the look on a purely aesthetic level or if it's because I have a hard time reading it... I just don't like it at all. But then again, I also have a hard time reading white/gray text on black backgrounds. That really makes my eyes hurt for some reason.

- Here, have two cute/funny dog videos. The first is of a Corgi puppy snoring and the second is of Honey praying for more food for those other dogs that don’t get a lot of food.

Sometimes I have serious moments of "I hate every stitch of clothing that I have in my drawers/closet and I want to take it all out and shove it in the fire place and let it burn." Lately this happens more and more when I go to the mall and more and more every morning when I'm trying to remember if I've worn the same pair of jeans twice in a row or not.

When it comes to clothes, I have three major problems. The first is that I am picky as all get-out about them, and I am not big on super-super trendy things (I will NEVER succumb to skinny jeans, because no one wants to see my chunky-as-hell thighs highlighted by stretch denim. I don't even want to see that). The second is that I am in that weird place where I'm not quite fully plus-sized and too big for regular sized clothing (I can shop fine at Old Navy, and if I find the right junior sizes, I'm okay, but if I go to Lane Bryant sometimes things are a little too big for me) and my weight fluctuates like every three months. The third thing is that I am poor, and cannot afford to throw out my entire wardrobe because I hate everything I have, save for a few t-shirts, about half the sneakers and flats I own, and a random assortment of things I've bought at Ross in the past year.

I would kill to go on What Not to Wear and have Stacy and Clinton hook me up. But that would also include them skewering pretty much, well, everything I already own and my own occasionally dubious style (I own tank tops for the sheer purpose of putting a t-shirt or a button-up shirt on over them, and I do this all the time. Summer, winter, everything in between). I think this just has to do with my whole "I want to be normal(ish)" thing. I wish I could afford to look like a girl who knows what to wear and can wear it well. And I wish I could find stuff that I like and comes in my size that I don't have to worry about blowing my entire check on. (For example: this dress. I want this in my life.)

...actually, can I take a moment to gripe about Forever 21 for a minute here? 'Cause they have a new "plus" line and while I like some of the things they have, it's an extremely limited selection. And every time I walk to the little alcove in the gigantic store that they have at my local mall where where Faith21 is, I get an eyefull of all the other things they have in their "regular" collection, and I get pissed off, because dammit, I want that blazer that looks like it has a hoodie stitched up in it too, and their plus line doesn't have that. That's some crap right there.

I have decided that I really hate the term "sexting". Can't we just call it what it is, and that is "teenagers being absolutely out of their fool minds and sending each other nekkid pics"? I mean, really? Have we learned nothing from Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee or Paris Hilton? Glory fades, but sex tapes last forever!

In case you don't know: in the past day or so, Stephen King only spoke the truth and said that Stephenie Meyer is not a great writer. And lo, the Twilight fans take offense to this:

I think he is just jealous because he's not getting as much coverage or is well liked as Stephenie. He really doesn't know real writing. I read one of his books and to me, IMO, he doesn't catch the readers attention like Stephenie does. I mean, it is his opinion but I don't agree with it. And books don't have to have blood, lots of violence and sex in it to be a great book. That's just how I feel.

I was pretty shocked that he just publicly put her down like that. But I think he is just jealous, I mean it cant be easy to be asked about another authors work instead of your own.
I was disappointed in reading that too. The old adage, "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all" should apply. His dismissal of the book as a silly teen girl "not quite sex"storyline is a slap in the face to those of us who are grown women, and know the truths and common threads that run through all of us gals (young and old) when it comes to first love. Perhaps he has not had the joy of such an experience, and hence misses the point completely.

Right. Stephen King, jealous of Stephenie Meyer? Riiiiight. Tell you what: when SMeyer writes a story that is seen to be excellent source material for a movie that is considered to be one of the best of all-time, gets nominated for Best Picture like the previous one did, and gets made into a miniseries that scars people for life, please tell me. Though I suppose that parts of Breaking Dawn could, indeed, scar people for life.

Also, I take personal offense to Twilight being #1 on Good Reads' Best Young Adult Novels list. THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT BOOKS ON THAT LIST. The Giver (which is still one of my favorite books, and totally turned on my interest for dystopian fiction)! The Book Thief (SOBS, that book)! Speak! The Westing Game! The Perks of Being a Wallflower! The Absolute True Story of a Part-Time Indian! A Great and Terrible Beauty! And those are just titles in the top fifty; all of which have way more going for them than Bella Swan and her Disco Ball Boyfriend. I know it's a subjective, user-based list, but for the love of God, really?! Even IMDB's viewers aren't that stupid, and, well, IMDB has some stupid at points.

I need to finish writing Better Than Truth now.

I am pissed off because of some loud, obnoxious, and chronically stupid teenagers at IHOP who I wanted badly to yell at, but didn't, because my mom wouldn't let me because she was worried about me. And I'm friggin' crying and I almost wrote about what exactly pissed me off about the situation, but I just feel like I'm not anywhere near eloquent enough for it.

I do not do well with race issues at all. I'm not stupid. I'm not naive, but I'm idealistic, maybe too idealistic--and I believe the best in everyone. I'm just angry at the fact that because of certain factors, my mom* was scared of me telling a group of seventeen white teenagers that they were being too loud and excessively rude while we were eating. Scared that they'd be stupid enough to cause us or our property harm if I just did something that would've been the right thing to do.

I hate this.

*: my mom was born in the early '50s. She can remember when doing something like I wanted to do could've very well warranted being threatened and/or hurt. She doesn't hate anyone, but she still has that undercurrent of prejudice is still somewhat there.

I don't think that I told this story before, but I might as well tell it now.

Once upon a time, I was a regular poster at a certain fan messageboard. And there was this one other poster there, who, out of the blue, started IMing me. I didn't really "know" her like I knew other members of the board, and her posts were totally insignificant to me. She would IM me and complain about the ship wars that were going on, complain about how people didn't have "faith" in their ship, and other such stuff. Mostly, I ignored it.

Then one particularly stressful night (I was fretting over a test and trying to download the study guides), she IMs me and asks me what's up. I say that I'm freaking out and trying to study for a test.

Do you know what she said to me?

"Oh, that's nothing. I'm sick of people in my RP!"

WHAT.

I AM TRYING TO NOT FAIL AT SCHOOL AND YOU SAY THAT YOUR RP BUDDIES GIVING YOU TROUBLE IS WORSE THAN MY POSSIBLE FAILING A TEST?! WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FROM?! NO ONE IS GOING TO TEST YOU ON MYSPACE, MESSAGE BOARDS, AND WHETHER OR NOT PERSON X IS GOING TO HOOK UP WITH PERSON Y YOU CRAZY ASS BITCH.

With that said: if anyone thinks I have not had a bad past two days (starting with having to suck up water in the bathroom because the toilet overflowed and said water was leaking out into the damn hall, making me an hour late for work and culminating with me being late for my government test today, hitting bad traffic, it being cold and rainy and the water seeping through my mesh sneakers and me not even finishing the stupid essay test), I will punch them in the face, and I am not a usually violent person.

First: certain RPers at GreatestJournal need to just go curl up in an e-ditch and die a thousand painful deaths.

Second: see people? SEE WHY I STAY AT LJ?!

Third: somewhere along the way I passed 2100 posts. I've had this journal for six years, God.

Fourth: PEOPLE SUCK SO MUCH IT MAKES ME SEE FUSCHIA.

Fifth: Dear Asshole Guy at the Gym Who Wore a Texas Tech Shirt--screw you for being so damned condescending to me when I asked to use the ab machine.

Sixth: I tried to curl my hair pin-curl style, and OH GOD. I got a cramp in my arm and hair was sticking out everywhere and it's not worth it or a one person job for that matter.

Seventh: I AM NOT CLOSING ALL TAX FREE WEEKEND, THANK YOU GOD.

Eighth: CAN WE SEND STUPID PEOPLE TO THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL? PLEASE?!

Ninth: the new moisturizer I'm using on my hair smells SO GOOD.

Tenth: I just wanted an even number to round off this post.

When I was about eleven or twelve, I said I wasn't a feminist.

Which was a little bit ironic, considering that I was that weird girl who was obsessed with the Spice Girls and running around screaming "Girl Power!" whenever I could. At that point, I associated feminism with "crazy, shrieking women who hate men and eat babies" and stuff.

Now, I get it. I consider myself a feminist, because I fully agree with the notion that feminism is about choice. I want to be like my mother, should I get married and have kids. When my brother and I were little, she stayed home with us, and once we were old enough for kindergarten (me) and preschool (my brother), she went back to work. I believe that if you want to be a stay at home mom, by all means, do so (just don't harp on mothers who work, because that's just BS). If you want to do pageants, go ahead! Want to play a contact sport? Go ahead, fight the power. It's your choice.

Feminism's supposed to be about regarding someone's choice with respect, right? Then why the hell are so many women evil to each other? We gripe that we can't trust other women because we're always tagging some henious idea on them: Oooh, she'll steal my man. She thinks she's better than me. She's trying to hit on me, and I am clearly out of her league; and besides, I'm not batting for the wrong team. She's so desperate! She's a slut/skank/whore/insert phrase here!

We see each other as competition, instead of being in the same boat. We all want to be successful, we all want to laugh and have a bright future. We all want to change the world in one way or another; we want to have somebody to love. We want the same things, and we all breathe the same air and cry and all of that. Yet we loathe each other and are generally malicious and cruel to each other, and then we wonder why men want to call us bitches and hos.

It's because we call each other that, whether in jest or out of envy.

Is it possible to be a feminist and hate other women sometimes? 'Cause right now, I kind of do.

I really freaking want Beauty and the Beast on DVD. The Disney movie with the candelabra and the girl that likes books. [has memories of That One Place That Certain People Know About from Last Summer, and that was the longest note ever] At the local Movie Trading Company, they have it on VHS, and I don't know if I want it on video. Dammit, the Disney vault must be stopped.

The weird thing is that I had no real major love of the movie before. I saw it when my dad rented it when I was little, but I didn't really care about it either way. Then we watched part in French I and since then I've wanted to watch it again. "Be Our Guest" is one of the best Disney songs.

The verdict is in: I am constantly obsessed with guys who are after other girls. And at the same time, though I try to remain optomistic, I fail to see how being myself--bumbling but laid-back, easy to talk to, silly, not high-matinenance in the least--is benefiting me at all. I worry that I'm lacking a touch of agression that I need. Or maybe I'm too nice for my own good. I am growing increasingly sick of being a nice girl. Nice girls don't get guys. Nice girls get told by polite old ladies that they're good and are complimented on how sweet and smart they are. Guys meet nice girls, and pretend to be interested in them for a while and then go back to whatever two-bit skank can get them off.

My essays need rewriting. And I have algebra homework to do.

Dear Creative Labs:

Why the hell don't you guys have a tech support number on your frickin' website, 'cause right now? I can't be assed to find the paperwork that came with my MicroPhoto, and I am REALLY dying to know why the hell songs aren't loading on it, why the software says the player isn't docked to my computer when it's EFFING PLUGGED IN.

I sing your praises to all of the people who think that the iPod is the Be All and End All of MP3 players on the market. A girl I work with has seen me with my MicroPhoto and kind of wants one of her own. But do I tell her about the playback errors I've been having or this latest batch of problems? No. Why? Because I was totally trusting you guys.

I'm not an Apple fan--most of my experiences with them have been kind of crappy, to say the least. The iMac I worked on in tenth grade in my webmastering class would freeze and reboot on me every time I was in the midst of a major project. I wanted an iPod until I heard of your company and was relieved that I would not have to convert my WMA files into MP3s just to listen to them on the go. Please, just give me a fecking number so I can call someone and ask them what is up with my nice little handy essential investment, or I will totally turn on you guys and buy an iPod (once I get more money).

Thanks, A Disgruntled User