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enamouredThe Boy was not in French today, and I found myself wondering what the reason was for his absense. Does he have the flu? Family dispute? Doctor's appointment? Elopement? I know he's just the sophomore who I've been clandestinely crushing on, but I worry. Because, behind his geeky!hotness, he's a nice, normal guy. (screw it, Candice--he's not a nice, normal guy; if he was, you would not be wondering if he caught the flu. Shut it.)
I go on the occasional burst where I go back and start re-reading my old journals. They're in a storage box right between my bed and my nightstand, and sometimes, when I'm feeling melancholy, bored, or nostalgic, I go and pull out the journals and read and remember. I always talk about how I miss middle school so much, and all that, and when I was reading through one of my sixth grade journals a few days ago, I realized why I have this connection to sixth through eighth grade: it's because I can remember exactly who I was then, and because I wrote in so many books then (seven journals from sixth through eighth grade), I have total documentation of exactly what I felt and what I liked/disliked then. I also don't get too embarrased recalling the things I did then--well, there are things that embarrass me about who I was then, but not to the point that I'd repress that memory and try to deny I was ever like that. (I'd never deny my Backstreet LURVE and the teenie behavior that came with it, but God.) I remember what it was like to be that age. I can relate to people who are that age.
I don't know exactly how to act like a seventeen year old. I don't know what people my age do at parties. I can't legally drive yet. I don't have a car. I've never kissed a boy. I feel like in some senses I am freeze-framed at thirteen. I still listen to some of the same music I did at that age (*NSYNC, Christina), I still have posters on my wall (not as many, only the storebought ones, and four of them at that), I still have copious celebrity crushes, and I'm still slightly insanely insecure. But at the same time, I feel older--I don't like the bulk of the current music; I prefer Stevie Wonder and Aretha Franklin. I don't have the same attitudes about some things. I'm really serious when some kids my age would be acting silly.
I... I don't know where I fit in because of this. I don't act my age. I don't exactly know how. I kind of stick out because of this and no one really understands me. And the one person who did now thinks I'm immature and pointless and doesn't give a crap about me, 'cause she's one of them. One of the teenagers who knows how to really act like one. Who knows how to be one.
I didn't mean to turn this toward Christy, but God, she's the only one who got me and now no one does--who will understand me now? Or am I just going to spend the rest of my life feeling like a misfit and not knowing how to act and be my age?
I think entirely too much. But I miss my best friend.
I go on the occasional burst where I go back and start re-reading my old journals. They're in a storage box right between my bed and my nightstand, and sometimes, when I'm feeling melancholy, bored, or nostalgic, I go and pull out the journals and read and remember. I always talk about how I miss middle school so much, and all that, and when I was reading through one of my sixth grade journals a few days ago, I realized why I have this connection to sixth through eighth grade: it's because I can remember exactly who I was then, and because I wrote in so many books then (seven journals from sixth through eighth grade), I have total documentation of exactly what I felt and what I liked/disliked then. I also don't get too embarrased recalling the things I did then--well, there are things that embarrass me about who I was then, but not to the point that I'd repress that memory and try to deny I was ever like that. (I'd never deny my Backstreet LURVE and the teenie behavior that came with it, but God.) I remember what it was like to be that age. I can relate to people who are that age.
I don't know exactly how to act like a seventeen year old. I don't know what people my age do at parties. I can't legally drive yet. I don't have a car. I've never kissed a boy. I feel like in some senses I am freeze-framed at thirteen. I still listen to some of the same music I did at that age (*NSYNC, Christina), I still have posters on my wall (not as many, only the storebought ones, and four of them at that), I still have copious celebrity crushes, and I'm still slightly insanely insecure. But at the same time, I feel older--I don't like the bulk of the current music; I prefer Stevie Wonder and Aretha Franklin. I don't have the same attitudes about some things. I'm really serious when some kids my age would be acting silly.
I... I don't know where I fit in because of this. I don't act my age. I don't exactly know how. I kind of stick out because of this and no one really understands me. And the one person who did now thinks I'm immature and pointless and doesn't give a crap about me, 'cause she's one of them. One of the teenagers who knows how to really act like one. Who knows how to be one.
I didn't mean to turn this toward Christy, but God, she's the only one who got me and now no one does--who will understand me now? Or am I just going to spend the rest of my life feeling like a misfit and not knowing how to act and be my age?
I think entirely too much. But I miss my best friend.
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-21 04:50 pm (UTC)ITS ( Internation Thespian Society ) trip , he'll be gone until Sunday..
o_o
no subject
Date: 2003-11-21 05:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-21 06:45 pm (UTC)Feeling Alone?
Date: 2003-11-21 10:40 pm (UTC)+I am a Junior in College, 20 years old, & still feel the same way I did when I was 16 (just a tad more intelligent, haha).
+I am 20 & have never been kissed.
+I know what people my age do at parties (though I haven't been to one), but honestly, I don't even want to be there, because from 16-25, they all do the same thing...& it's as bad as you can imagine.
+I still listen to the same music I did when I was 16 (Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, 'N SYNC, Christina Aguilera, etc).
+I STILL have celeb crushes (hi, Clay Aiken's too hot! haha)
+I still get insecure...actually, that will never go away, it never does, the difference is some people just get used to it.
There is always someone who will understand. I totally understand. I may not be at the same school or the same age, but I feel the same way about a lot of the same things (only I hated middle school, haha).
no subject
Date: 2003-11-21 10:59 pm (UTC)"I don't know exactly how to act like a seventeen year old. I don't know what people my age do at parties. I can't legally drive yet. I don't have a car. I've never kissed a boy. I feel like in some senses I am freeze-framed at thirteen. I still listen to some of the same music I did at that age (*NSYNC, Christina), I still have posters on my wall (not as many, only the storebought ones, and four of them at that), I still have copious celebrity crushes, and I'm still slightly insanely insecure. But at the same time, I feel older--I don't like the bulk of the current music; I prefer Stevie Wonder and Aretha Franklin. I don't have the same attitudes about some things. I'm really serious when some kids my age would be acting silly."
is so ME! And then, I read backwards lol but the paragraph above that, even moreso! I LOVED middle school. Things were just so much SIMPLER back then, than they are now. And while I don't dislike who I am now, by any means, and while I'm glad I know what I do and am actually glad I've gone through what I have - something just doesn't seem right. I don't know how to be a teenager, either. And like you, my best friend, the one who was always supposed to understand, suddenly has a boyfriend, is into the sex stuff, and drinks, etc. And it's like .. well, what about me? =\ Not that I want to turn into that, ya know. I just. I don't know. I miss having someone there with me to go through it, I guess.