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enamouredSigh. This is so incredibly stupid of me, and I'll probably end up friends-locking this later, but, anyway... here's how the bulk of my day went.
I was anxious throughout management, wondering what I'd do about the card. I didn't know if I was going to go up to him and give it to him, or try and smuggle it in a bag or something. And I was worried about the reaction, too. I was pretty sure I was going to pass out en route to French.
So, I got to French, and I had my Regan sneak the card for Drew to his desk. She put it under his French book because she got Ian involved by saying, "Ian REALLY needs to talk to you outside, Drew!" In the meantime, I was over at my desk, feeling amused, scared, and ready to hurl.
The boys came back in, and Drew found the card when we were reviewing for the test. He opened the sealed envelope, and as I watched I could feel my stomach sinking somewhere towards my toes. And he opened up the card and read it, and I was sure I was going to die for some reason. (another sign that I am socially inept: every time something involving guys I like occurs, I feel as I'm going to kick the bucket.) He read it, then showed it to the girl who sits behind him. (at this point, I think my stomach stopped dropping and I was sure I was really going to throw up.) I tried not to look his way, but I did, and he kind of smiled and waved at me. I think then I started to feel this wave of totally confused embarrassment.
So throughout all the class, I was sitting in my seat, trying to focus 'cause we had that test and I had to review and later do it, and I kept wondering about this whole sticky situation, because once you let your feelings be known and you can't get a clear, sudden answer, you're left in total agony. You're confused and frightened and you want so badly to know if you can be relieved or disappointed. And all I wanted was an answer, but I couldn't get it yet.
Class ended and I--being a masochist--stayed a little bit; just long enough for Drew to come over to me and say, "Candice! Thank you!" and give me a half-hug; you know, the shoulder-to-shoulder variety. I just kind of said, "You're welcome," and scurried off because I felt superbly embarrassed.
Earlier I said I didn't know how to feel. I felt embarrassed for reasons that I couldn't explain. I knew not to expect a declaration of love--I was expecting more of a "you must be kidding, right?" thing. This was leaps and bounds better than previous Valentine's dismissals. It was nothing. I expected it--I did write "even if you don't feel the same, I hope you have a great day" in the card. It was a given. It wasn't even really that bad.
So why do I feel positively crestfallen? Why did I avoid him at lunch? Why do I feel like this? I should be happier. Right?
I was anxious throughout management, wondering what I'd do about the card. I didn't know if I was going to go up to him and give it to him, or try and smuggle it in a bag or something. And I was worried about the reaction, too. I was pretty sure I was going to pass out en route to French.
So, I got to French, and I had my Regan sneak the card for Drew to his desk. She put it under his French book because she got Ian involved by saying, "Ian REALLY needs to talk to you outside, Drew!" In the meantime, I was over at my desk, feeling amused, scared, and ready to hurl.
The boys came back in, and Drew found the card when we were reviewing for the test. He opened the sealed envelope, and as I watched I could feel my stomach sinking somewhere towards my toes. And he opened up the card and read it, and I was sure I was going to die for some reason. (another sign that I am socially inept: every time something involving guys I like occurs, I feel as I'm going to kick the bucket.) He read it, then showed it to the girl who sits behind him. (at this point, I think my stomach stopped dropping and I was sure I was really going to throw up.) I tried not to look his way, but I did, and he kind of smiled and waved at me. I think then I started to feel this wave of totally confused embarrassment.
So throughout all the class, I was sitting in my seat, trying to focus 'cause we had that test and I had to review and later do it, and I kept wondering about this whole sticky situation, because once you let your feelings be known and you can't get a clear, sudden answer, you're left in total agony. You're confused and frightened and you want so badly to know if you can be relieved or disappointed. And all I wanted was an answer, but I couldn't get it yet.
Class ended and I--being a masochist--stayed a little bit; just long enough for Drew to come over to me and say, "Candice! Thank you!" and give me a half-hug; you know, the shoulder-to-shoulder variety. I just kind of said, "You're welcome," and scurried off because I felt superbly embarrassed.
Earlier I said I didn't know how to feel. I felt embarrassed for reasons that I couldn't explain. I knew not to expect a declaration of love--I was expecting more of a "you must be kidding, right?" thing. This was leaps and bounds better than previous Valentine's dismissals. It was nothing. I expected it--I did write "even if you don't feel the same, I hope you have a great day" in the card. It was a given. It wasn't even really that bad.
So why do I feel positively crestfallen? Why did I avoid him at lunch? Why do I feel like this? I should be happier. Right?
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Date: 2004-02-14 01:59 am (UTC)no subject
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