enamoured | I'm not together, but I'm getting there.

Things that I think about: There was this study done years ago that I remember reading about somewhere. In it, some researchers took the negatives of hundreds of pictures of men who I think were mostly criminals and overlaid them, and the final result was this kind of averagely handsome guy or something. I can't recall the exact reasons why they did this, it just sticks out in my memory.

Taking that into consideration, it makes me think of all the times I've tried to find some common thread in the things that interest me and the people I'm attracted to. I am the least organized person in the world and hardly one for precise categories, but I have this weird feeling that if I can find that one thing that all of these things that I love or all these guys I've fallen head over heels for have in common, I'll know myself better or something. Does that make sense?

Also, a few days ago I reblogged this at Tumblr and added, "Sometimes I wonder/worry if [/that] the reason why I tend to write YA fiction that has more of the expectations is because I want to find a way to live the Fun Teenage Life that I didn't actually have." So there's that.

Sometimes I feel like I've missed out on too many things, and I'm not even that old to really regret everything about my life. I am proud of some things, but at the same time I just feel massively stuck and unaccomplished and out of it all. I've been in college for almost eight years and I feel burned out sometimes but I'm working for a degree so that I can actually have the career that I want. I don't have any form of romantic relationship experience but I can give you a pretty accurate read on exactly where I am mentally and what I can personally do to stop myself from getting into places I don't want or like to be. I know I still have time to do things but it still doesn't feel like enough, and sometimes all I want is to be one of those girls who went away to school and is getting ready to plan her wedding or something.

And it's like... I don't feel like getting married is this End of the Road thing the way that some people do. Hell, I look forward to it. Not in the "I am Princess for a Day" sense, but in the idea that it seems kind of cool to want to go out there with someone else who adores you and will put up with you and wants to have your back. But at the rate I'm going I feel like I'm never going to get there, that I'm always going to be alone in a way. And I can do fine on my own; I know I can, but I don't want to be like this forever.

And sometimes it's little things that make me feel like that, and I don't want to talk about them because it feels so petty. But if I don't talk then I internalize, and it cycles over and over until it gives me stomachaches and just when I think I'm over it, bam, something else sets me off. It sucks.

I suppose that part of getting better is knowing that you're feeling bad and trying to figure out what to do to solve your problems. The end result is that you do end up with a better sense of self, but fixing it yourself (and sometimes with outside help) is sometimes a great big clusterfuck.

But dammit, I am going to get out of this.

That said: anyone have anything cool to share? Funny videos, dancing polar bear gifs, something? I think I have a twig in my eye or something.