I was such a fool, I didn't see it; just how good you were to me.

I am so freaking stupid.

Back when I narrowed down my college choices, I should've included UNC Chapel Hill. It's a GOOD school. It's like, ten minutes away from my family. And I was so caught in the whole New York thing I didn't even consider it, even though when I was younger I wanted to go there.

And the application is due on January 15. I'd have to get councelor reccomendations and write another essay and stuff, and I don't know if I have the time. The worst thing, though, is that I can't even start spring semester--they don't have it at UNC.

ARRRRGH. How could I have been so STUPID? [smashes head into table]

(no subject)

We just found out that one of my uncles died. He'd had cancer for awhile, but... it was a bit of a shock. My mom's going out for a ride for a little while, and I don't know if I want to go or not, because I don't know how she's feeling, and as childish as it sounds, I hate to see either of my parents cry. Like when my great-uncle died a few years ago, my dad didn't tell us, my mom did. He'd taken us out shopping and stuff and I felt awful because we were just wandering around the stores and taking our own time and his uncle had died and everything.

I didn't really know my uncle very well. I remember he came down to visit us from New York when I was six or seven, and his family came with him. My mom took us to this resturant and I remember talking to him a whole lot. Especially about money. I was talking about how much money I'd saved up and he was acting very impressed. He was really friendly and everything. But I didn't see him too much growing up; I think that was one of the two or three times I saw him.

It's moments like this when I really get scared about my grandparents. My dad's mom hasn't been doing well over the past couple of years and I am SO scared of what's going to happen when she dies. My dad is really really close to his mom, and I'm just scared of that day coming. It's going to happen, but I'm scared of it. And my mom's mom. She was this HUGE part of my life when I was really little, and I will just be completely undone when that happens.

I don't know. I don't know how to feel about someone I wasn't that close to. But it impacts me.