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enamouredLately, Crissy (in journalism) is reminding me more and more of Christy. The same middle name, the fact that they go by the shortened version of their middle name instead of their first name... and how they both berate/berated me about my attitudes regarding my lack of attention from guys and my general self-deprecating view of myself.
The day before the exam days, I think we got to talking about prom dates, or the attractiveness of guys who go to school with us. And I brought up my crush on Drew, and how he's younger than me, and how he'd probably never give me the time of day, blahdiddlyah. And Crissy went off on a tangent about how she hasn't had a boyfriend yet and all that stuff that Christy said to me once upon a time. Before the boyfriends. Before I got tossed like moldy leftovers.
And there's another thing that Christy and Crissy have in common: both are pretty girls. They're both pretty and smart and sarcastic and could be comfortable just being one of the guys... They are comfortable being single because essentially, they could get someone. But they don't WANT someone.
I do. That's the difference.
When you're a witty, pretty, smart girl who can hold her own with guys, you have NOTHING to worry about. But when your sense of humor is understood by few, you're a font of useless trivia that will only get you far on Jeopardy! or Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, you're not impressing anyone. Especially if, in addition to that, you're chunky like peanut butter and have crooked front teeth.
I don't mean to constantly loathe myself. I really don't. I want to improve things about myself, but I do think I'm okay. It's just that when it comes to girls like them (who could basically GO out there and GET someone if they TRIED) telling me that not having a guy is no big deal and that you'll be okay without a boyfriend and stuff like that... it's just that I want to say to them, you have NO idea.
I think about Mona Lisa Smile and the premise behind it. It's like, not that long ago, really, a girl's success could be measured solely by being married and things like that. Nowadays, there's the whole notion of being an independent woman, being able to survive without a man, you don't need a man, blah blah. I agree with it. I don't want having a significant other to be the defining thing in my life—I want to be praised for my OWN accomplishments. Despite this, I do feel like a failure for not being with someone. Why? Because I live in an age where twelve year olds date, and fourteen year olds write to teen mags asking questions about sex. And my brother has photographs of random, cute girls in his wallet.
Once a month I go on these melodramatic tirades. But, you know… I want to be with someone and I hate myself for it, because I worry I'll feel like it's going to make my life better. And I agonize and hate myself for being who I am, but I can't change in a flash. I'm just me.
And Crissy and Christy (as if you're really reading and really give a damn), it's not that easy for me to not care.
The day before the exam days, I think we got to talking about prom dates, or the attractiveness of guys who go to school with us. And I brought up my crush on Drew, and how he's younger than me, and how he'd probably never give me the time of day, blahdiddlyah. And Crissy went off on a tangent about how she hasn't had a boyfriend yet and all that stuff that Christy said to me once upon a time. Before the boyfriends. Before I got tossed like moldy leftovers.
And there's another thing that Christy and Crissy have in common: both are pretty girls. They're both pretty and smart and sarcastic and could be comfortable just being one of the guys... They are comfortable being single because essentially, they could get someone. But they don't WANT someone.
I do. That's the difference.
When you're a witty, pretty, smart girl who can hold her own with guys, you have NOTHING to worry about. But when your sense of humor is understood by few, you're a font of useless trivia that will only get you far on Jeopardy! or Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, you're not impressing anyone. Especially if, in addition to that, you're chunky like peanut butter and have crooked front teeth.
I don't mean to constantly loathe myself. I really don't. I want to improve things about myself, but I do think I'm okay. It's just that when it comes to girls like them (who could basically GO out there and GET someone if they TRIED) telling me that not having a guy is no big deal and that you'll be okay without a boyfriend and stuff like that... it's just that I want to say to them, you have NO idea.
I think about Mona Lisa Smile and the premise behind it. It's like, not that long ago, really, a girl's success could be measured solely by being married and things like that. Nowadays, there's the whole notion of being an independent woman, being able to survive without a man, you don't need a man, blah blah. I agree with it. I don't want having a significant other to be the defining thing in my life—I want to be praised for my OWN accomplishments. Despite this, I do feel like a failure for not being with someone. Why? Because I live in an age where twelve year olds date, and fourteen year olds write to teen mags asking questions about sex. And my brother has photographs of random, cute girls in his wallet.
Once a month I go on these melodramatic tirades. But, you know… I want to be with someone and I hate myself for it, because I worry I'll feel like it's going to make my life better. And I agonize and hate myself for being who I am, but I can't change in a flash. I'm just me.
And Crissy and Christy (as if you're really reading and really give a damn), it's not that easy for me to not care.
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no subject
Date: 2003-12-20 08:47 pm (UTC)boys seriously ARE over-rated.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-20 08:48 pm (UTC)and there's only one reason that boys are attracted to me.
well, 2.
confidence
and boobs.
haha.
if you dont focus on it, and just be confident, other people ( not just boys ) will naturally be attracted to you.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-20 10:53 pm (UTC)I like to blame it all on my appearance. But really? There are girls who aren't that great who have boyfriends. Have had plenty. But I think it's also because I just, won't lower my standards. Not necessarily saying those girls DO, but I know some of them do. Some of them just have the confidence that lures people in.
But I can't find that confidence! I try, I do.
But. My advice to myself, you, and others like us: Just take it up with God. He'll put someone in our path, when we're ready, and when it's meant to be. =) I promise!
I love you girly girl! <3