you'd think people would have enough of silly love songs.

[enamoured]

I don't know what I want to do with myself anymore, and that scares me. I read this thing on some site that basically said doing your "dream job" is a fruitless effort, so you should just settle for something safe that won't annoy you too much. But I don't want to settle. I want to travel the world, create things, and be remembered for being brilliant. I want glamour and prestige and to give more than I recieve. I want everything. I don't want to do something for X amount of years and wonder what would've happened if I'd only tried being a singer, or a songwriter, or something.

I've thought about becoming a music major and getting my associates so I can be a studio technician or something. I've thought about abandoning the music thing and becoming a middle school teacher. I've thought about being a journalist or a fashion photographer, but I don't know what I want to be. And I don't like that. Perhaps I'd feel better about not knowing if I was actually extremely proficient in something, but I'm not. I'm average. I feel like I've spent too much of my life believing I'm special and different and better, but I'm not. I'm barely even good enough.

Do you ever have those moments of introspection where you consider every possible course your life has taken or could have taken? I do it too often, and it confuses me and also makes me wish I could see what it'd be like.

And right now, I'm back to square one. Longing to be with someone. I have this sick curiousity, I want to find out what a relationship's really like. I don't care what people say, that they can be messy and frustrating and everything, but I'm idealistic. I'm inexperienced. I keep thinking and expecting having a boyfriend to be something wonderful and grandoise, and I want it so bad sometimes it hurts. It's always when I am getting chatted up by some guy who's not my type or when I see some achingly beautiful creature that I want to be with that I feel like this. I look at a gorgeous guy and, knowing nothing about what he's really like, I wonder what it'd be like to be able to walk around with him. To kiss him. To share secrets with. All of that. And it's always someone who's far more beautiful than I am.

My self-esteem falters as often as my faith in everything I cherish does. And I am a drama queen, stopping now.

Comments

[brittanygrace.livejournal.com]

Oh man, you sound just like me. You're not in the boat alone dear. Damn, if only we had a couple paddles....

[confused11390.livejournal.com]

OMG! The whole bf thing, the beautifuler guys, yeh I know EXACTLY what your thinking! One time I liked this guy, and he was so like hott I couldn't get up the courage to say hi, And I see him sometimes in the hall and such, and wonder, what he'd be like to talk with...