you know it's true, all the things come back to you.

[enamoured]

October 4, 1995

This is my notebook for a replacement for my diary. I'll use it everytime I can't find my real diary. This isn't going to be a real replacement, I'm [just] going to write stuff in it.

I think I wrote that while sitting in the gym/cafeteria during lunch. I might've been sitting by my then-best friends Katie and Stephanie. Some boys I didn't like at the time were within my proximity, and one was saying that my dog was a "wimp". Later that day, I would mention that I'd read the book Harriet the Spy (part of the reason why I got the notebook; I mentioned that I would keep "super-secret detective files" within its pages) and that I liked when it rained on Fridays. Then later that night, I was sufficiently grossed out by my dad serving Brussel sprouts for dinner. In the midst of all of that, I also mentioned that I was trying to think of a good Halloween costume and I squealed over a boy who was in the same bowling league as me, and how he was "so, sooo, SOOOOO cute!"

I was nine years old.

I had a diary before that. I got my first one in second grade from a book club. I'd write in it like, once a month or something, and I tended to misplace it a lot so I didn't obsess over it. So when I was in fourth grade, I'd read the book and well, at the time I thought that there would be nothing better than to be a detective or a spy. Plus, I was convinced that all the boys in my grade were Clearly Up to No Good, and I wanted to reveal their shady dealings.

I didn't intend to chronicle my life--no, I was looking for proof that this guy that Katie liked was the head of a wallet-stealing ring. Seriously. I was a weird kid. Somewhere down the line the notebook became less about me and my wannabe detective work and more about me revealing that I really did not like Stefan (the kid who I suspected was in charge of the wallet-stealing ring), that I had a ridiculous crush on a guy who was in seventh grade, and that I was, yes, very much infatuated with Kevin, the kid in 4A who wore an Arizona Jeans jacket all the time.

Since then, I've written in nearly twenty-one journals. People are often surprised when they see me with my current journals and over the years, people still ask to read them. It never stops. And, strangely enough, I've never done some things that other people do with journals. I've only torn out pages of books once or twice, but I've never burned/thrown out any of them. No matter what I wrote, I'm keeping it because no matter what, that is exactly who I was in whatever moment it was, and no matter how overwraught or silly or just plain stupid, I feel as if I just have to have that part of me.

Thinking about this makes me get all reflective. Like, on one level I know I'm totally different than the nine year old who started writing back then. But just how different? And why do I keep doing this? I live my life, yes; but do I live more when I'm looking at life through a camera lens or when I'm writing it down? Is this beneficial to me, or is it just a crutch?

I might be overanalyzing, but I can't imagine what my life would be like if I'd never started writing (or sometimes typing) things down.

Comments

[hannahlulubelle.livejournal.com]

That's awesome that you kept all those journals. I have tried keeping one for a long time but I also kind of forgot about it.

I totally remember wanting to be Harriet the Spy, after seeing the movie and then reading the book. I watched that movie with the kid I babysit and that hot kid on Everwood, Gregory Smith was Harriet's friend Sport in the movie! I laughed myself silly when I realized that.

[starsprinkles.livejournal.com]

That's awesome that you have such a record of your life. I always tried to start journals and diaries but they would sort of trail off after a few days or weeks. But we also had to keep them in school almost every year, and I have those.. and other things I've written or made. So I understand where you're coming from. It's cool to look back and remember your life as it was, not just as a memory in your head but a capture of that time from you then. Heh, if that makes sense. But you also have the memory, so it's almost like you're reliving feeling the way you did then, since you were there.. but now you also see it in a more objective way. A lot of the stuff I wrote I look at and I'm like "Oh my god, I was such a loser," but I still keep it all.

[someday22.livejournal.com]

Started diaries in 7th grade (after failed attempt when I was 8). Still have them all. Never gonna give them up. Pray that no one ever reads them...harsh words, secrets....until I'm dead, at least. :)

[alice-ash.livejournal.com]

i've got 30 some-odd journals, almost all of them in composition notebooks, since 9-9-99, when i was 13. i kept a few diaries before then. i dont paper-journal as much anymore. i used to be able to go through a notebook in two weeks. now it takes several months. that's the only animosity i have toward lj and blogging... if those didn't exist, i'd probably be up to 80 journals by now.

[caramellatta.livejournal.com]

Wow, this post really triggered many memories. It's really amazing that you've been keeping everything you write. I've kept journals since I was seven- back then I used called them "secret notebooks". I cherished them with love and attention, placed them carefully in secret hiding places out of the reach of my sister detective, who was always smart enough to find them, take notes, copy all she wants to know and put them safely in place before I found out and planned my next revenge. Oh, my joy when I got hold of hers in the dishwasher, behind the shelves, outside in the garden... and the 3 year battle of uncovering and stealing each others' secrets ended when what I had proudly considered to myself as the ultimate and smartest refuge that would never cross her mind in a million years was uncovered. I was devastated. Shattered. I was nine; I cried so hard and so bitterly. I cried that the first thing I did next day was tear out every single page of every single book. Furiously. Throw them away and vow never to write again.

They were gone forever. All the memories, codes, secret languages and plans written in mirror-image... The stories and articles I copied from magazines... I regret it so much. I wish I can recover them all.. flip through them they way I loved to do...
It was quite a while before I decided to write again.

Ah.. I'm all nostalgic!

Thank you for the great post. Keep on writing! I believe it somehow enables you to step out of yourself and take a wider look at your life.

[waderapspoorly.livejournal.com]

OMG Candice. Your icon!

MARCUS FLUTIE!!! *dies*