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enamouredI've been in therapy for anxiety for about two and a half years, and I feel like it's a dance for me: two steps forward, two back. I feel like I'm making progress at points but then I start getting wound up over something and I can't seem to cool myself down.
The only way I can explain it is like this: it's like that feeling you get when you go to an amusement park and you get on too many rides. At first you feel just a tiny bit weird, because you get knocked off kilter due to whatever it is in your inner ear that controls balance is getting slightly wobbly. But you don't think about that and you keep getting on rides anyway. After a while, you get on enough rides that you start to spin a little. You wobble around and you don't feel quite right. You try to shake it off but you still feel that slightly off feeling when you're. And sometimes, it can be bad enough that you feel it when you're sitting or even later that night, when you're lying down.
That's how I feel sometimes--like I'm spinning and spinning and can't stop. I get the exact same feeling when I get off of an airplane and I honestly don't know whether or not it's the anxiety or if it's simply the fact that flying wigs me out in a bunch of little ways but not so bad that I can't do it, you know? But sometimes I get that feeling about smaller things, like money (this week was a particularly brutal example of me being worried over money which leads to me going Wait, what if this happens) or my future or my personal life or school or death. Sometimes I worry that I think about dying too much, but not in the "oh woe is me, I want to die" way but in the "I don't want to die because I like living too much" way. And then my mind starts racing and I get that spinning feeling and I hate that so much because then I get weird and I stop talking to people and I get mopey.
It's just frustrating, because I think I'm doing okay until something happens and it makes me feel terrible and want to not go anywhere or do anything because I feel like a failure. To make matters worse, we've changed insurance agents and I don't know if my current therapist will still take my insurance or if the cost per session will go up. It's just... it's been one of Those Weeks for me, and so far the only thing I'm excited about as far as this semester goes is radio production, and in a few weeks I'll be hosting an hour-long show for class credit.
The only way I can explain it is like this: it's like that feeling you get when you go to an amusement park and you get on too many rides. At first you feel just a tiny bit weird, because you get knocked off kilter due to whatever it is in your inner ear that controls balance is getting slightly wobbly. But you don't think about that and you keep getting on rides anyway. After a while, you get on enough rides that you start to spin a little. You wobble around and you don't feel quite right. You try to shake it off but you still feel that slightly off feeling when you're. And sometimes, it can be bad enough that you feel it when you're sitting or even later that night, when you're lying down.
That's how I feel sometimes--like I'm spinning and spinning and can't stop. I get the exact same feeling when I get off of an airplane and I honestly don't know whether or not it's the anxiety or if it's simply the fact that flying wigs me out in a bunch of little ways but not so bad that I can't do it, you know? But sometimes I get that feeling about smaller things, like money (this week was a particularly brutal example of me being worried over money which leads to me going Wait, what if this happens) or my future or my personal life or school or death. Sometimes I worry that I think about dying too much, but not in the "oh woe is me, I want to die" way but in the "I don't want to die because I like living too much" way. And then my mind starts racing and I get that spinning feeling and I hate that so much because then I get weird and I stop talking to people and I get mopey.
It's just frustrating, because I think I'm doing okay until something happens and it makes me feel terrible and want to not go anywhere or do anything because I feel like a failure. To make matters worse, we've changed insurance agents and I don't know if my current therapist will still take my insurance or if the cost per session will go up. It's just... it's been one of Those Weeks for me, and so far the only thing I'm excited about as far as this semester goes is radio production, and in a few weeks I'll be hosting an hour-long show for class credit.
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no subject
Date: 2010-01-22 02:38 pm (UTC)