the outcome of a still verdictless life.
Jul. 22nd, 2013 10:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
enamouredI started listening to Welcome to Night Vale today, and it's weird, but in that way that I keep wanting to listen to it. It's breaking up my monotony of usual podcasts, though, so I kind of appreciate that.
There's this part in "Why Georgia" that I've always liked: I am tempted to keep the car in drive, and leave it all behind.
Right now, I am feeling that urge.
I'm feeling fairly certain that my math class is going to go the way that my usual endeavors in math classes since algebra II in high school went (going in attempting to amp myself up and be open-minded, failing time and time again while trying to figure out why I keep forgetting to switch signs and wondering what sick person thought it'd be fun to mix symbols and numbers with fractions, seeking help and doing well in one-on-one tutoring sessions only to forget everything once test time rolls around again). If I don't pass that class, I don't graduate in August. That is literally the last class I need to take to finish my BA.
I can't get a job yet because everyone's either offering internships or want someone who's had [x] years of experience and all I've done is work at the school radio station and done two semesters worth of stories for our news show. So I'm still stuck at The Job, looking down the barrel of another tax free weekend and dealing with bullshit hours.
I think the Former Classmate/Childhood Friend Who is Engaged tally has reached six. There was this big rash of engagements this year from mid-February practically through April.
I've only finished reading about ten books total this year, when I've usually read at least twenty to thirty by this time. Between classes stressing me out, I haven't been able to get as into half the books I've wanted to read as I'd hoped. I still am dying to get my hands on a copy of The Twelve by Justin Cronin, and that came out last fall, for crying out loud.
And I know, I know it is sad woeful but I feel stupid and ugly and undeserving and I want to just say, "fuck it, I'm done" and just go. I want to have a life. I want to have something to show for myself, some proof that I've actually advanced as a person but instead I am still as much of a huge stupid mess as I was when I was eighteen, only it's worse because I should at least be working on getting my shit together by now and I should have some friends or some guy be interested in me, and I don't, and I'm failing so hard that I need to get out or I will be stuck.
I have friends I could actually verbally tell this to, but most of them don't like phone conversations. It's so weird to me, how a lot of my closest friends were the ones I could talk and talk to on the phone and now I don't have close friends but people I want to get closer to, and I have no idea how to do that via text or Facebook. And I don't want to burden them with me feeling shitty about my life, because their lives are going great. My therapist is the only one I can actually talk to about this, and once I graduate I won't even have him anymore.
You know what? I'm going to go watch all the Comic-Con panels I saved for later viewing. Lord knows I need the distraction.
There's this part in "Why Georgia" that I've always liked: I am tempted to keep the car in drive, and leave it all behind.
Right now, I am feeling that urge.
I'm feeling fairly certain that my math class is going to go the way that my usual endeavors in math classes since algebra II in high school went (going in attempting to amp myself up and be open-minded, failing time and time again while trying to figure out why I keep forgetting to switch signs and wondering what sick person thought it'd be fun to mix symbols and numbers with fractions, seeking help and doing well in one-on-one tutoring sessions only to forget everything once test time rolls around again). If I don't pass that class, I don't graduate in August. That is literally the last class I need to take to finish my BA.
I can't get a job yet because everyone's either offering internships or want someone who's had [x] years of experience and all I've done is work at the school radio station and done two semesters worth of stories for our news show. So I'm still stuck at The Job, looking down the barrel of another tax free weekend and dealing with bullshit hours.
I think the Former Classmate/Childhood Friend Who is Engaged tally has reached six. There was this big rash of engagements this year from mid-February practically through April.
I've only finished reading about ten books total this year, when I've usually read at least twenty to thirty by this time. Between classes stressing me out, I haven't been able to get as into half the books I've wanted to read as I'd hoped. I still am dying to get my hands on a copy of The Twelve by Justin Cronin, and that came out last fall, for crying out loud.
And I know, I know it is sad woeful but I feel stupid and ugly and undeserving and I want to just say, "fuck it, I'm done" and just go. I want to have a life. I want to have something to show for myself, some proof that I've actually advanced as a person but instead I am still as much of a huge stupid mess as I was when I was eighteen, only it's worse because I should at least be working on getting my shit together by now and I should have some friends or some guy be interested in me, and I don't, and I'm failing so hard that I need to get out or I will be stuck.
I have friends I could actually verbally tell this to, but most of them don't like phone conversations. It's so weird to me, how a lot of my closest friends were the ones I could talk and talk to on the phone and now I don't have close friends but people I want to get closer to, and I have no idea how to do that via text or Facebook. And I don't want to burden them with me feeling shitty about my life, because their lives are going great. My therapist is the only one I can actually talk to about this, and once I graduate I won't even have him anymore.
You know what? I'm going to go watch all the Comic-Con panels I saved for later viewing. Lord knows I need the distraction.
